The Gifted Adult by Mary-Elaine Jacobsen

Author:Mary-Elaine Jacobsen [Jacobsen, Mary-Elaine]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-8041-5174-0
Publisher: Random House Inc.
Published: 2015-01-21T05:00:00+00:00

BREAKING THE APPROVAL-SEEKING HABIT

Ironically, because he could always “do better,” the approval Paul received didn’t last. The lost self that had been overlooked in favor of high achievement would not and could not accept approval because that would mean continuing to believe that Paul was only as good as his achievements. This also meant he could never slow down. For if he felt only this modicum of contentment with intense striving, how could he ever trust the feelings he would experience if he did less? Paul’s job in therapy was to gingerly back away from the push/pull of striving and to get to know himself all over again, to let his latent gifts take form free of the stranglehold of relentless striving.

The result was remarkable; learning to proceed in an incremental, calm, and deliberate manner was far superior to frustration and confusion. He was able to resolve his inner conflict only when he took the sting out of disapproval or the lack of outright praise. No longer obsessed with accomplishments or approval, for the first time Paul began to enjoy his own company. He learned to play golf for the fun of it. By distilling out what he did from who he was, Paul could try new things and go back over old ground without feeling as though he was wasting his time.

Paul reframed his definition of success. He has become more judicious about his strivings these days. His first criterion for performance shifted from outer to inner approval, and his second criterion from traditional notions of individual success to collective service. He decided on his efforts instead of reacting to the real and imaginary demands of others. His achievements took on a new meaning, becoming different in form and substance, with satisfaction and sufficiency resonating throughout each of his days. Whether he was closing a multimillion-dollar real estate deal, pulling chickweed out of his tulip bed, or making paper boats with his sons, Paul became proactive, making his own choices about his allocation of effort. He was no longer cut off from himself, no longer empty, no longer lost.

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